Recent Offerings from the Tweet of God

Imagine if God had a Twitter account.   Apparently He does!  From it he dispenses divine observations and wisdom to we mere mortals.  Here are a few of His latest offerings:

I support marijuana. I created it for you. In fact the Garden of Eden was full of it. That was Eve's downfall. She got the munchies.

John 3:16. Matthew 3:17. Luke 3:18. It was a very close race.

Once you go black hole, you never go back. That is literally true.

Even on the first day of Creation I remember thinking to Myself, "I hate Mondays".

The NSA knows more about you than I do.

Every time you sing "What a Friend We Have in Jesus" I'm reminded how much I disapprove of My son's friends.

The reason I ask for so much money is I have a child to support.

Not feeling too good. May call in nonexistent tomorrow.

Child molestation! THAT was what I meant to outlaw in the Ten Commandments. Oh, and rape.

I support the separation of church and reality.

My love for you is unconditional, provided you do and think exactly as I say.

One thing makes Christianity superior to Judaism and Islam: grilled cheese with bacon.

If you think about it, the fact that people swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth on the Bible is pretty funny.

It's not that 10% of you came out wrong, it's that I'm 10% gay.

As of today I'm officially off sneeze duty. You want your mucus blessed, bring it to a priest.

When I work in mysterious ways it's called grace. When you work in mysterious ways it's called grounds for termination.

The question is no longer "What kind of world are you leaving for your children?" but "Why even bother having children?"

Am I pro-life? Yes, but if you're familiar with My work you know I'm not exactly anti-death, either.

God is good?" Only in the same way that Bob is boob.

Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.

I am perfect, omnipotent and all-knowing. Nevertheless, this world was the best I could do.

If the Earth swallowed you all up whole there's not a court in the universe that wouldn't rule it self-defense.

For Mother's Day, Jesus said he wants to get Mary something she's never gotten before. I said, "How about laid?"

In the beginning" is a mistranslation of "Once upon a time".