The People of Canada Will Not Be Intimidated by Terrorists. Only the Government Gets to Do That.

Sideshow Steve Harper, his hairdo blessedly intact following yesterday's shooting in Ottawa, has vowed that the Canadian people will not be intimidated by the killings of two Canadian soldiers this week.

They will, however, continue to be intimidated by the CRA Tax Stasi and by the Canadian Petroleum Security and Control Agency.

Mr. Harper stressed that, while he's not pointing fingers, yesterday's events were a clear warning of the dangers posed to Canadians by First Nations and environmentalists lurking in muted opposition to the Northern Gateway pipeline. Harper vowed that Canada would redouble its efforts to identify, monitor and track these terrorists in waiting.  He added that, while he doesn't have concrete proof, he's pretty sure these eco-terrorists are in fact radical Muslims.

Later in the afternoon Mr. Harper's hairdresser spoke with reporters.  She revealed a chilling account of how, at the outbreak of shooting, the prime minister's security detail had to whisk him to safety without the requisite 15-minutes needed to erect the "dome of invincibility" that protects Mr. Harper from flyaway split ends. Ms. Denise "Dolly" LaFramboise, estranged daughter of 60s Ottawa legend, Const. Zotique LaFramboise, said she only spoke out because the Canadian people might otherwise have no idea what a close call it was for the prime ministerial hairdo and the selfless courage Mr. Harper exhibited in putting his hairdo at risk in this moment of national crisis.  That it was accomplished without gunplay, maintained Ms. LaFramboise, is a tribute to the prime minister's incredible bravery.