"Silly Old Fart" or "The Conrad Black Story"

Just trying to come up with titles for a biography of Conrad Black, Lord Lightfingers of Piddle Puddle.  Wait, how about, "Black, the Dotage Years" or "Conrad Black, You All Look So Small From Way Up Here" or "Conrad Black, I'm Still a Baron.That Must Count for Something"? How bout "Black, These Boots Were Made for Licking, This Butt Was Made for Kissing"?

What I admire most about Conrad is that he did nothing wrong. Why, he says as much himself. I'm sure Barbara does too and now even Donald Trump, Exalted Pharaoh of the United States of America vouchsafes Conrad's innocence. How else can you explain that except to conclude that Conrad did nothing wrong?

You see, here's where the confusion lies. If you or I or any of our fellow "lessers" had done that, well then we would be justifiably and inarguably guilty as charged, guilty of fraud and obstruction of justice. And we wouldn't be getting any four or six years for it either. No siree, our butts would be in the slammer for a long, long time.  But isn't that really our problem, not theirs? We know it's wrong but that doesn't mean they have to.

Crimes do not cross class lines naturally. Here's a perfect example. If a pleb deprives another pleb of that person's lawful property, it's theft or worse and only jail will do. He knows he's committing a crime. It's a criminal act. When the privileged do it, it's business, a way of life. It's almost a public service to keep the wheels of wealth turning. It is them, our betters, honouring a tradition that predates even Runnymede and Magna Carta. The distinction is lost on us but it's practically a way of life to higher order people such as Conrad and his benefactor, the Moist Regal Sultan of the United States. They know things so that we don't have to. Noblesse oblige.

Let us not forget Conrad's service as a champion of prison reform. He reminds us that prison is no place for the privileged, those of high birth. The low are not familiar with such things as pedicure and silk boxers so they can't experience the depths of despair endured by their genetic betters. The unwashed never had private chefs or waterfront estates or so many other accoutrements that the privileged must forego in the Greybar Hotel.

Try to show just a little compassion when Conrad says he won't answer criticism of his pardon because it's "not worthy of response." Conrad has spoken and I believe that settles it.

And let's be mindful, politely mindful, of Conrad's age. Perhaps we ought to be grateful if he doesn't put up too much of a fuss at bath time. And let's celebrate a lifetime of service even if it has been spent mainly feathering his own nest and inflating his delicate ego.

Now, all in favour of imploring the Marquis to accept a reinstatement of his Canadian citizenship, please raise your hands.  A show of hands. Anybody? The gentleman in the blue shirt, third row from the back. I thought I saw your hand. No? Oh, alright. Damn!