Executive Position Available. Serious Enquiries Only.

Applicants sought for position of leader of national political party.

Applicants must be white, very white, preferably of fundamentalist Christian faith. No "immigrant religions" will be considered. Females may apply - again and again - until they collapse in tears.

The successful applicant must be able to demonstrate a variety of skills. He shall be entirely proficient in the use of the cudgel as an instrument of caucus solidarity. He must have a full range of vulgarian vocabulary and a demonstrated ability to kick articles of furniture across rooms.

Experience in the Stalinist arts of political management is an asset. Applicants lacking such skills must demonstrate an eagerness to learn. An ability to reduce clerical staffers to tears is essential.

Candidates must demonstrate an understanding of the role of relentless fear-mongering in motivating this party's base.

In the final selection stage, short-listed candidates must submit to urine and blood testing to establish they are completely vision-free and incapable of either mid- or long-term thinking.

Finalists will participate in a talent competition in which they will demonstrate their ability to entertain, placate and enrich a full range of foreign energy company titans. The "friends with benefits" rule will be in force.

For the purposes of this competition, the Nigel Wright protocols apply. Nothing in writing, no paper trail. Eye contact is frowned upon. Candidates must apply in person and, remember, the secret handshake is required for admission.

Do not forget the non-refundable envelopes stuffed with cash. No cheques, no electronic transfers will be accepted. For particulars, including a list of approved coffee shops where payments will be accepted, consult Mr. B. Mulroney.