Thursday, May 14, 2015

Sure, It's Satire, Yet It Sounds So Familiar

From the pen of The New Yorker's Andy Borowitz:

Scientists have discovered a powerful new strain of fact-resistant humans who are threatening the ability of Earth to sustain life, a sobering new study reports.

The research, conducted by the University of Minnesota, identifies a virulent strain of humans who are virtually immune to any form of verifiable knowledge, leaving scientists at a loss as to how to combat them.
“These humans appear to have all the faculties necessary to receive and process information,” Davis Logsdon, one of the scientists who contributed to the study, said. “And yet, somehow, they have developed defenses that, for all intents and purposes, have rendered those faculties totally inactive.”

More worryingly, Logsdon said, “As facts have multiplied, their defenses against those facts have only grown more powerful.”

While scientists have no clear understanding of the mechanisms that prevent the fact-resistant humans from absorbing data, they theorize that the strain may have developed the ability to intercept and discard information en route from the auditory nerve to the brain. “The normal functions of human consciousness have been completely nullified,” Logsdon said.

While reaffirming the gloomy assessments of the study, Logsdon held out hope that the threat of fact-resistant humans could be mitigated in the future. “Our research is very preliminary, but it’s possible that they will become more receptive to facts once they are in an environment without food, water, or oxygen,” he said.


Anonymous said...

Ahhh, yes. The trait is carried on the little-studied FOX gene.

The Mound of Sound said...

I was thinking of some people closer to home, Anon.

The Mound of Sound said...

I was thinking of some people closer to home, Anon.

Toby said...

If you like that you might love Snow Crash, Neal Stephenson's novel.

Bill Longstaff said...

This isn't satire, Mound, it's true. Stephen Harper is living proof.

Purple library guy said...

Harper's minions are living proof. Harper knows the truth, he just doesn't care.

Steve said...

Maybe the people leading the denial have plan B.