As a close personal friend and confidante of RCMP Commissioner Bill Elliott, I hear all sorts of things months before it reaches you plebs. Here's one of them.
The RCMP is asking the Justice Minister, the Security Minister, the Minister of Small Wastebaskets and the Prime Minister to create a new weapons registry - the Lethal Stapler Registry (or "LSR").
Across the country, but especially at airports and especially at British Columbia airports and especially at Lower Mainland, British Columbia airports, RCMP officers are reporting an alarming increase in surprise stapler attacks. It's getting so bad that officers are experiencing nightmares in which middle-aged dudes who don't speak English attack; folding, mutilating and stapling them before they can reach their Tasers.
Mental health professionals consulted by RCMP headquarters have concluded the stapler attacks are becoming so widespread and so severe that officers in the field are suffering PTSD and random psychotic events whenever they pass by a stationery store. They're recommending the creation of a Stapler Registry where users can be screened to ensure they represent no threat to police or other demented bastards.
Prime Minister Stephano Harpo says his government will act, although the cost of the new registry could mean repealing the ban on concealed handguns.
Courage friends, courage.
The RCMP is asking the Justice Minister, the Security Minister, the Minister of Small Wastebaskets and the Prime Minister to create a new weapons registry - the Lethal Stapler Registry (or "LSR").
Across the country, but especially at airports and especially at British Columbia airports and especially at Lower Mainland, British Columbia airports, RCMP officers are reporting an alarming increase in surprise stapler attacks. It's getting so bad that officers are experiencing nightmares in which middle-aged dudes who don't speak English attack; folding, mutilating and stapling them before they can reach their Tasers.
Mental health professionals consulted by RCMP headquarters have concluded the stapler attacks are becoming so widespread and so severe that officers in the field are suffering PTSD and random psychotic events whenever they pass by a stationery store. They're recommending the creation of a Stapler Registry where users can be screened to ensure they represent no threat to police or other demented bastards.
Prime Minister Stephano Harpo says his government will act, although the cost of the new registry could mean repealing the ban on concealed handguns.
Courage friends, courage.
10 comments:
hahaha! very very funny!
I am so very glad you enjoyed it. Thanks.
Very disappointed in your mocking tone here. Post Traumatic Stapler Disorder is no laughing matter.
A fine illo accompanying the article, too. People out there just don't know what it's like. Try walking a mile in our shoes.
--K. Millington,
Toronto West Detachment
Milton, ON
This Stapler Registry is an attack on the personal freedoms of law-abiding stapler owners every where! Sure, you said the "Do not staple" warning on your tax forms was just a simple administrative directive, but look where we are now - having to register our staplers. Next it will be needing a permit to purchase staple refills. This will not end here - it's just another step towards total confiscation. Once the feds know how many staplers and what type you have, they will be able to smash down your door and have you arrested if you do not voluntarily give them up.
Join the NSA (National Stapler Association) now to fight this infringement by the nanny-state on the very freedoms that made Canada great!
Wonderful thoughts, everybody. I'll make sure to forward them (along with your home addresses) to Commissioner Elliott for closer study - if you know what I mean. Consider yourselves under constant surveillance. Subversives, you're all subversives!
CSI-Ottawa.
Restricting staplers will accomplish nothing. Miscreants will simply switch to the even more deadly elastic - paperclip combination. To paraphrase a conservative acquantance of mine, staplers don't kill, people do.
How dare you make light of stapler related violence?! A friend of mine in high school once lost a lot of blood to a stapler related accident! (Seriously, it was the funniest thing I ever saw!)
Hmmm I'm arriving Vancouver airport next month. I better watch out for staplers. A. Morris
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