Wednesday, April 27, 2016
Let's Give the Conservatives a Hand In This Their Moment of Despair
Pity the Conservatives as they face their rudderless future. They don't know to whom they can turn. Their panic is such that a good many of them would welcome the return of Stephen J. Harper, a.k.a. Beelzebub, the Prince of Darkness.
I don't like to see people suffer, not even Cons, and so earlier today I tried to put my mind to finding them a solution.
How about Preston? Sure he's old but he could handle half-days, three weeks a month.
Mulroney. No, not Bryan, Ben. He doesn't seem to be going anywhere past that E Canada TV gig. You can't pretend to be one of the kids forever. Eventually that just gets creepy. No?
How about Christy Clark? As a British Columbian all I can say is, "please, oh please!" Maybe we can throw in a gently used NDP leader or two to sweeten the deal. They make great bookends and they've never even broken a sweat.
Okay, okay - here's one. How about the still undead John Crosbie? He must have a good year, 15-months left if the Tories are quick about it.
This one may seem to be coming out of left field but what about Tom Mulcair? He'll soon be looking for work and he's what you could politely call "omni-partisan."
Hmm.. half-days.. days. That's it! Stockwell Day. He hasn't done anything of consequence for years and you know that his mind is an immaculately clean slate.
Okay, kids, that's my list. It's limited only by my imagination. There must be more. Who would you recommend? How about names and reasons. We could do up a list, maybe take a poll, and send the results along to CPC headquarters.
Weigh in now. I know we're working from the shallow end of the gene pool so the options are limited. If you can't come up with any additional names, just mention who you would vote for and why.
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Yes, you've put forward a name. Now you must justify your choice. We await.
What about the Prince of Darkness II, Gordon Campbell. He's paid his dues, its time to return to the colonies.
Yes, Robert, I have your point. Still, I wish they'd take Christy.
How about Ted Cruz Mound. He's born in Canada and he's a born again bible thumper so the base will love him. Problem is, the rest of Canada won't. I don't think the Cons. know that though.He should be available pretty soon.
Excellent choice, Pam. A natural follow-on to Shifty.
Ibbitson is already intimately familiar with the mind, style, motivations and practices of Stephen the Harper. Plus he's already the smartest guy in the room - just ask him.
Bozo the clown. He has his feet on the ground ( all of it ) a nose for news ( and traffic emergencies ) and a tiny , efficient car.
What about Ezra? Leader of the Opposition has got to pay better than blogging, although I'll concede the title lacks the cachet of Rebel Commander.
The Ghost of Sir John A. Full of meaningless symbolism, permanently unavailable for questions and unaccountable for his actions. As a Father of Confederation, he is some kind of Tory superman for whom criticism is treason. No one left with living memory of the man or his actions means no interviews or dirt that isn't already in the public record. Legendary status and lack of animated corporeal form means spinmasters can create any narrative they want about him. Doesn't like aboriginals. Obviously OK with feudal titles, class system, business, and the monarchy.
No, I don't think Ezra would be at all suitable. He's got that backpfeifengesicht face that even his caucus members would find irresistible.
I see your logic, Boris. The stumbling block would be reanimating the old bugger. I doubt that whiskey would suffice any longer.
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