Saturday, September 13, 2014
A Welcome Visit from God
God exists. I know this because He's on Twitter.
From the "Tweet of God":
I'm restoring the world to factory settings.
Life is sexually transmitted.
The great thing about sarcasm is, no one ever misunderstands it.
The answer to the question "can people really be that stupid?" is always yes.
Thank you for praying. All available angels are currently assisting other prayers. Stay on your knees. We will be with you vaguely.
Because of Rob Ford and Justin Bieber I am officially revoking Ontario's provincial licence. From now on it will be known as East Manitoba.
I am God. I had a son. He was also Me. He was a man, though. I had him killed. He came back. I did it to save you from how I made you.
Always remember that, in times of trouble, I am right there at your side, throwing the trouble at you.
11. Thou shalt not take nude pics.
I apologize to some of you for the rest of you.
"World's largest ice sheets melting at fastest rate ever recorded." You like ice challenges? There you go.
I created the entire universe on behalf of one group of one species on one planet in one solar system in one galaxy.
I wish I'd had room to outlaw rape in the Ten Commandments but obviously working on Saturday and neighbourhood donkey-coveting had priority.
When a sentence begins "The unarmed black man was" and ends "at least six times" the verb in the middle is usually not "hugged."
No matter how difficult it looks, no matter how impossible the challenge seems, if you believe you have God on your side, that's nice.
Most of you are why the rest of you have no faith in any or all of you.
Remember good news? Man, that takes Me back!
I giveth and I taketh away and it sucketh.
If it's any consolation, the nine quintillion other universes I oversee are all going to shit too.
Texas Republicans are arguing that marriage equality could lead to incest. You know what DEFINITELY leads to incest? Creating Adam and Eve.
Food and clean water are so awesome I sometimes think everybody should have them.
Science is true whether or not you believe it, but religion is true whether or not it's true.
Why can't you all just get along? Oh yeah, Me.
Religions Ranked by Truth. 1. Yours, 2. All Others.
When Jesus said "Love Thy Neighbour," the "when it's politically convenient and they look like you" was implied.
Have a great weekend!